When you're not sure what to do, or how to think... Take a deep breath and try. Try to feel, try to think, and allow yourself to just be. Feel the tears, being moved from you because of life and death. Allow these tears to move you into a deeper sense of awareness. These tears, over time, initiate your mind into a calming embrace, a refuge. Through your sorrow you will find your most intimate knowledge of life. A deep yearning grows from within you, to move through the burning sufferings of evanescent worlds. Feel the inadequacies of what can be touched, obtained, and seen. Feel how these things can be taken from you. How unsettling yet precious your affections become. A primal understanding emerges from well tended grief. Do not look outside for answers to grief, this understanding comes from within the heart. An understanding of what connects you two infinitely.
As feelings grow weary, they begin to settle. Feel a primal call invite your individual self back from raw emotions. It’s that linear, logical, and individual voice coming from the pit of your stomach that says I AM. It is the equal, and opposite, reaction that helps you grow from your feelings and honor the human experience. Thinking becomes a harmonic partner to feeling in the grievance process. It bears reason and allows growth, despite the crushing song of your mourning soul. Logic becomes a necessary factor in finding the peace and evenness of a clear mind. Generation upon generation has felt, and thought, and been in immense pain just like you. Despite how much it hurts, surrender to the pain, it will purify your perspective and allow goodness back into your vision. Billions of people have tried to understand your current calamity. Eventually the emptiness that is carved out by the pain, makes room for the heart song to sing;
EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE, I KNOW THAT THERE IS MORE... WE STILL ARE
In this constantly changing reality, the human experience is pieced together by feeble attempts to understand. Your greed, anger, and ignorance dig your feet further into the sufferings of this earth. But as your heals dig in and your loved one is still gone, you know that there is more. There is sacredness to both your pleasures and your pains. Feel the pain move into the linear expressions of your logical mind. Honor what you are thinking and feeling, marry the two experiences and your soul will open up. Kiss his lingering presence by taking refuge in gratitude for the gifts you have been given by Jason.
Death is the greatest teacher of gratitude. In loving memory, the widowed try not to waste anything, because everything has become precious. What have you received? What have you given? What troubles and difficulties have you caused? Don’t be cruel. My teacher and friend Carmella once said: “no one heals from cruelty.” Think on these questions until you experience unbounded compassion for your feelings. Compassion makes the most of what we have been given. It clears impermanent stories out of the way and creates the room needed for goodness and truth.
Be sensitive to each moment. Continue this awareness until you are able to pull back the curtains and see, if just for a moment, that the light is indeed still behind the darkness of the pain. Darkness is how we are able to conceptualize light. It is with good reason that we grieve. Cry dear sister, now is not the time to be brave. As this painful experience moves you through the process of letting go, you will release what was temporarily shared by the two of you. It is then that the eternal nature of your love emerges. Allow your layers to peel back slowly. Feel then think, feel then think, feel then think.
You won’t completely uncover your core and become free from suffering in this lifetime dear sister, but your core has never left you. Keep coming back to what you know. Breath evenly, then take your greed, your anger and ignorance; hold it in the heart space of compassion. Smooth over these feelings one thought at a time. No one can ever understand how much it hurts that he is gone. In a sense you will die as well, losing this worldly identity that you created with him. This is necessary in order to sense his new place within and without you.
Even without him here, his arms will fold about you. This is because of your infinite and unchanging consciousness, it's what binds us together. This is a practice. Although the experience is fleeting, it is good. Trust in your grief. Honor his existence and find gratitude for the chance to have known him. Feeling, thinking and simply being:
Your mindscape will continue to hold the loss of your beloved. Good vibes, dear sister, is a verb. You will not be given good vibes, they must be made. Choose to hold your grief in that space, creating good vibes around life and death. It is your choice alone. With time and the refuge of compassion, your soul will again feel bright. Grievances will no longer shadow the light. The separation between past, present and future will dissolve. Just concentrate because your heaven lives on. There you will find him, ancient bits of conscious stardust connected to the ancient atoms that make you.
Drop your head back into your heart. Allow yourself to feel how you feel, the darkness is okay.
Healing will occur as you learn to move from the realm of concepts to the world of direct experience.
I cannot take your pain away, or speed its transformation into grace. I wish I could give you back his warm embrace. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you, and care about you. You are so precious, dear sister, the salt of the Earth. May your mindscape ever embrace the preciousness and fluidity of GOOD VIBES.